Meet Rory: Coach

In this Q&A, we chat with Beehyve Coach, Rory, about what inspired them to become a coach, how their own ADHD and autism diagnoses shape the way they support others, and why understanding the difference between coaching and counselling is so important for neurodivergent people.

How long have you been coaching, and what led you to this work?

I've been coaching for nearly four years now. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 29, about 12 years ago. At the time, I was just given medication and sent on my way, without learning much about what ADHD actually meant. When I started researching independently, all the "superpower narrative" around ADHD didn't resonate with me at all. My superpower felt like it was destroying my life instead.

Around 2019, I started seeing people talking honestly about ADHD on Twitter for the first time. That's when I got into advocacy, sharing my own experiences. I learned about coaching and discovered that sharing my experiences helped people. Eventually, I pursued coaching qualifications. I went into this line of work because the time I spent after my diagnosis, not knowing about ADHD severely affected me, and I didn't want others to have that experience.

Why did you pursue coaching rather than counselling?

Coaching was actually the first intervention that worked for me. My first coaching session was with another trainee coach on my course—just a 20-minute session with someone who understood what I was going through. They asked questions and helped me reach solutions on my own rather than dictating what the solution should be.

My experiences with counselling were often negative. I'd either be seen as an interesting case study, therapists would get frustrated when I couldn't complete worksheets (which is naturally difficult with ADHD), or in some cases, they asked me for advice about their own problems. The coaching approach appealed to me because instead of seeing ADHD through a medical deficiency lens—focusing on what you're not good at—coaches work from the understanding that we're just different. We need help understanding how to work with our brain instead of against it.

That said, I've had amazing counselling experiences since, and I don't think it's a terrible profession.

What's the difference between coaching and counselling?

Counselling is kind of like digging into deeper things from your past. Coaching is more practical and forward-focused. It's about identifying what issues are currently going on and coming up with strategies or techniques to help with those.

That said, any good coach, when they start to realise that therapy is what a client actually needs, should point it out and say, "I think you would actually benefit from talking to a therapist." Sometimes you might need both—they're totally separate things.

How does your own ADHD diagnosis shape the way you coach?

I come from a place of sincerity. I used to have an incredibly negative internal self-dialogue—I passively hated myself for the better part of three decades. I no longer have that internal negative voice, and it was so jarring when I first realized it happened that I contacted my therapist, thinking I was having a manic episode.

Knowing that my approach works on a personal level, I've also made it a point to learn the academic science behind ADHD and understand what approaches actually work based on research. I try to integrate both, which helps me with my own ADHD and helps my clients understand things better.

But I want to be clear: just because something worked for me doesn't mean I assume it'll work for everybody. That's not my approach at all.

When you give clients tools, how do you approach it when they're already overwhelmed?

A lot of generic ADHD advice is written in really vague terms and just doesn't work. The most common suggestion I hear is "use a planner," which is honestly unhelpful. I often joke that you should be legally allowed to throw unused planners at people who suggest that to someone with ADHD.

When talking through a tool, I look at what they've tried in the past, what worked, and what didn't. There's no one-size-fits-all approach. I take a Swiss Army knife approach—I use whatever works.

One important thing to understand: people with ADHD often get frustrated that a tool works for a while and then stops working. That's part of it. The way I've reframed this is that as long as I'm using a tool longer than it takes to set it up and it has an effect, that's a success. If my brain craves novelty and I need something different, that's fine too. I rotate between about 5 or 6 different tools to keep things fresh without feeling locked into any one thing.

What about the Pomodoro technique?

The Pomodoro technique technically works—25 minutes of work, 5 minutes off. But it needs adaptations for ADHD. You can change the intervals. If you can only focus for 20 minutes and need a 10-minute break, that's better than forcing yourself into the 25-minute framework if you can consistently do that.

Other helpful tweaks include keeping a notepad nearby so if something takes you off task, you can write it down and address it during your break. Also, keep a visual timer somewhere. When you're doing the Pomodoro, if you get distracted, you need that visual prompt to remind you what you're actually doing. With ADHD, you will get distracted—that's just how it works.

Are you also diagnosed as autistic?

Yes, I am. I don't have problems talking about it. I was diagnosed as autistic four years ago, in 2021. I went through a horrific autistic burnout, which put me in the mental health system. Nobody could detect what was going on until I researched it myself. I realised that when I started implementing solutions that autistic people mentioned helped them with everyday life, things got a lot easier. That's when I knew autism was part of the picture.

Autism explained a lot of things that ADHD didn't quite account for. I couldn't understand a lot of social interactions when I was younger and would make bad errors. While there are social difficulties associated with ADHD, too, and there's significant overlap between ADHD and autism, it was hard to pick apart what was what.

Does this change how you coach?

Yes, absolutely. When I'm coaching autistic people or people with both ADHD and autism, my approach changes. Autistic people often need to know why something is being done. There needs to be much more explanation about how a tool will work and why, in greater detail, before they'll have confidence in trying it.

I also need to be explicit about explanations. Ambiguity isn't really appreciated by people with ADHD either, actually. If you want to cause a breakdown in someone with ADHD, give them a vague creative task with a two-week deadline and then refuse to provide clarification when they ask questions.

What are common myths about ADHD & Autism you'd like to correct?

Liking a certain type of cutlery is not diagnostic of ADHD—it's diagnostic of having preferences. Neurotypical people also have preferences for certain types of cutlery. I say this because I've had people come through for assessments based on social media information, suggesting this was a sign.

When you see something on social media about ADHD, read the comments. If there are tons of people saying "I'm not like this," you should be concerned that it's being presented as universal. I worry about things getting trivialised when people use their personal experience of ADHD and assume it's universal.

Just like not everyone with ADHD is a hyperactive 10-year-old boy bouncing off the walls, autism isn't just one look either. There's a massive variation in how ADHD and autism present.

My concern is that this variation gets flattened into stereotypes that don't help anyone get the support they actually need. Most of what people knew about ADHD was based on hyperactive boys, so people didn't recognise it in themselves or others. The same is happening with autism now.

What resources do you recommend for people newly diagnosed with ADHD?

I recommend a few key ones. There's a book called "It Is ADHD" by a New Zealand author that's really good at explaining concepts. Another is "Taking Charge of Adult ADHD" by Russell Barkley. Both can be read in any order—you don't have to go start to finish; you can pick and choose which parts are relevant.

If people prefer not to read, I recommend the "Translating ADHD" podcast, which is really informative and helpful. I also recommend Jessica McCabe's "How to ADHD" series on YouTube. I really like her content because she has a team of researchers working with her to ensure what she's saying is actually related to ADHD. While social media can be great for finding solutions and strategies, there's unfortunately a lot of misinformation about ADHD out there.

For people with specific questions or areas they want to explore, I can provide more detailed resources.

What do you tell people who are nervous about reaching out for support?

You don't have to go with the first person you pick. I really try to encourage that. I will genuinely refer people to someone else if I don't think I'm the right person for them. I only want to coach people where I feel there's a genuine connection and I'm the best person for the job.

Understand that in most social interactions you've had with ADHD that went poorly, the situation is different now. When you're talking to a coach or counsellor for the first time, they want to listen to you. Yes, it's natural to feel anxious about meeting new people, but this is a different situation. We want to hear from you. We're not here to judge you. If you ever feel judged, that's not a good person—get out of there as quickly as possible.

It's fine to feel that this is difficult. Acknowledge that and take the plunge anyway. Just try talking to somebody and understand that they do want to hear you.

Also, don't people-please with your coach or counsellor. If you're not connecting with someone, go to another one. Good coaches and counsellors shouldn't pressure you into signing up. Try it, and more often than not, you'll find what works for you.

About Rory:

Rory is a certified ICF coach who has personal experience with ADHD and autism. They understand the challenges that come with these conditions and have made it their mission to help others navigate them. 

After being diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 29 and failing to find effective treatment, Rory took matters into their own hands, reorienting from a career as an IT&T engineer to pursuing coaching as a way to become the resource they wished they had had. Rory has a wealth of coaching knowledge and expertise, supporting people from corporates, families, individuals, and those struggling in academia and transitioning to work. 

In addition to their coaching practice, Rory has a strong interest in the latest research on ADHD and autism. They’re also a staunch advocate for increased understanding and acceptance. 

“We need people to accept and try and understand us, not to cure us. I have hyper-empathy. I know what the costs of masking are. I know of autistic burnout. I'll do everything I can to prevent that from happening to other people.”